Wednesday, September 30, 2009

TADA

Thank you Heavenly Father for the people you send as angels and answers to prayers! Here are a few moments of growth, character building, as I like to call it.

I would like to share with you.

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A dear friend from church called me last week and she was feeling rather low. She was expressing how she did not know who she was, what she was doing and what to do about it.

I was shocked and told her I felt the same way but wanted to know what could possibly be making her feel that way. I validated her and she validated me. She said, "You always seem so put together and on top of things. How could you be like me”? WOW! I thought she had it together too!

It seems often times things are not as they appear.

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NIENIE's blog.

The entry about looking in the mirror, seeing her reflection and not recognizing it, nor did she recognize the person inside.

How could I possibly feel the same way when I have my face?

I also recall telling my sister that “ Nie’s” accident could not have happened to a better person, not that it was good to be in an accident but, because she has such strength and courage and she is sharing it with others.

Here I am, with much less of a problem and loosing ground!

It made me realize, we all have our own trials and yet we can all feel emotionally the same way about them.

It is up to us how we are going to handle them; we can exaggerate the problem or diffuse it.

I like what NieNie said on Oprah…paraphrasing of course....

“That was beautiful, and I like to think that this too is beautiful.”
 (Speaking of herself before and after the accident)

Here is a link....nieniedialouges   look up June 8, 2009      

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Then a past colleague called me.
I have not spoken with this person in a long time, but it is someone I trust and also has the same belief as me.

He said, “It doesn't sound like you".

I thought to myself, I have never felt so insecure and insignificant, a way I am not used to feeling. In the workplace, I was always confident. We talked for a while, and then he asked me some questions, thought provoking actually. He said, “How do you want things. What would you change?”

I couldn’t think of an answer, and it shook me.

He reminded me that I could still make goals and plans, even if it is just daily goals.
 What if this was just a time for internal changes, not external?
Alternatively, spiritual vs. temporal?

What? OK. I got it....and

TA DA

I can change my attitude. I can make better relationships with people, extended family, and friends.

I can let people get close to me and let go of distance. I can choose little things to work on.

By the time we were done, I felt different.

I felt sorry for having such frustrating feelings and wanted to make changes.
 It was a great feeling by the end of our conversation I was much happier.

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My Biggest Little is struggling.

"The world at her feet, but with no shoes on.” I think.

She was so melancholy. I took her to the beach.
I burned a CD full of great music and thought we could sing in the car.
Nothing. She could not sing.
She did smile,
but that was because she was embarrassed that I was singing and the Passer-Byers could see me.

We spent the weekend talking, thrift shopping, taking pictures, eating and relaxing by the beach. She felt she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. I listened to her struggles and then asked her what her desires were. As she spoke of what she wanted in the future, she started to lighten up, smile, and gain some confidence.

Since she has moved out to live with her dad while attending college, we have had very little time together. Her busy life of full time school and work and my full time motherhood of three (at home) makes it difficult to get together and even talking on the phone is scarce. I realized how important it is to listen and ask her about her dreams.

This reminds me that if you have something to look forward to, your hope increases.

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Lastly, I attended a book club.

A woman lost her child in a drowning accident.

Growing up she changed schools every year.

Her husband’s career also made their family relocate frequently.

She felt blessed that when they lost their child they lived close to family members.

She felt that she had been prepared for the moving around and then it was no accident that she was relocated close to family, not knowing that a loss was to come. This comforted her at time of grief.

I started thinking that maybe we were, where we were suppose to be.
  Maybe it is important for the growth of my son who was struggling in town?
He has gained confidence through the freedom to roam and explore.

As we struggle with the sell of our home in town, as the escrow fell through at the last moment...
waiting for the back up offer to be approved...we are grateful that even though we could not buy
that we may still be able to live here waiting to do so.

Therefore, I am grateful for the generosity of family and extended family for this home that I have come to love so much. Though it will be very sad to leave it someday. It is that I must have some other place I need to be. It also makes me think that maybe the reason we had been looking at this place for over 2 years and then finally had the opportunity to fix it up to possibly buy it, may have been just for the reason that we needed to move here to be closer to my husbands’ mom, who now, needs him. Had we moved here without fixing it up, I would have been an unhappy camper indeed. I may have seen my husband even less if we still lived in town. In addition, there was the fact that loosing my income made it difficult for us to stay in the city.

Who knows, we may renegotiate with the bank and be back there when things have calmed down. Therefore, I am OK with whatever comes next, as I know I am not in control and everything usually works out, as Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle.

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Through these experiences and some other more personal  ones,

I have been more relaxed this week.

I enjoy writing; it has been very therapeutic for me.

I have let my guard down; expressing many feelings, I would usually not share so publicly. I have experienced a feeling of letting go. The unknown does not seem so dismal.

I am relieved to say Let Go and Let God.




Monday, September 21, 2009

Making Hope Happen

If you really know me, you know I am a planner and an organizer. I love to set goals, and have achieved most that I have set for myself and my family. So it is no wonder I would start reading a magazine for women over the age 40 for the last 2 years.
{ I'll be 40 in January.}

The magazine is called "More". Check it out.


There is an article in the September issue of this year,
entitled....




"A PLAN TO MAKE YOUR HOPES HAPPEN".


by Judy Jones


So, I will quote directly from the article.....

"Add an economic recession.....and it's not surprising if you feel out of sorts. You're not depressed exactly, just increasingly persuaded that the life you have, whatever its rewards and pleasures, is not delivering the ride you thought you bought a ticket for."
{Validation!! there are people out there, other than me that feel this way.}
There is a Q & A section in which they define hope:
"We define hope as goal-oriented thinking - in that sense it's different from optimism, which is a sort of general expectation that good things will happen. In our definition, hope is more active than passive wishing. It includes two components, which we call pathways and agency. Pathway thinking reflects your ability to come up with lots of different ways to get what you want in the future. Agency is the amount of energy, will or motivation you bring using those routes."
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For me, the future is very uncertain. Since I am a planner and I can not plan, I am having a hard with time with hope. This article helped me realize why. You need to be able to see the future and then work towards it. Well, I can't do this right now. Let's say I feel a little, well, hopeless. It isn't a constant feeling but it is definitely in the background. I go about my day doing the same routine that we all find ourselves doing. I don't have a problem with that. I have fun with the Littles, we laugh, we play, we have family night. I cook, I clean, Mister D and I have date night. I don't have a problem waking up and being productive, I volunteer at the Littles' school, help out a friend 2 days a week and work on the yard when I have down time. I just can't see past the week and into the future.
There is a list of top 10 stressors of life. I recently heard Michael Savage, from the Savage Nation, speak about these on his radio show. I wanted to pull over and call. As he spoke, he was asking if anyone had 3 or more of these "stressors" going on right now. I was amazed to hear the list of more than 10, and realized that we have experienced half a dozen of them in the course of the last year.

Here is our list:

loss of employment, change in financial status, death of a close family member, selling/buying a house, moving, personal injury/illness

The number 1 stress is loosing your spouse - this has happened to my Mother-in-law, for many months I cried because of the pain she must be going through. I  could not imagine being without my husband. I feel that her loss is way worse than anything that I may be feeling. But, I too have a loss. The end of the life I knew. A life with a certain amount of certainty. A loss of financial security. A loss of my identity as a worker.  A loss of time with my oldest child as she is "away for college". A loss of time with my husband as he is working 2 jobs.
I am feeling very insecure, I verbalized that I have lost hope, last week...That sounded so terrible...It was as if it was coming from another person. I realized I said it out loud and immediately felt that something had to change.
I spent some days being very frustrated, trying to figure out what to do next. It seems that I can't figure this out.
Many years ago, I heard the term "Let go and Let God". I did not understand that term when I first heard it. I have since then experienced this 'letting go and letting God'.  So, why is it so hard to do this now? How do I act on faith that He will guide me and that through Him miracles can happen?

I have always been optimistic, I have read many books on positivity and have attended many different seminars and have even given speeches on optimism. You would think that I was prepared and could apply all that I have learned. Why is it, that when you so desperately need to use the things you've learned,
it is so hard to call upon?

This is a lesson for me to learn.

Are you able to apply learning as soon as you have the knowledge?
This is a character building opportunity and I am failing miserably. This I want to change.
Easier said than done but I am accepting the challenge.
I started reading the scriptures because, let me tell you once you feel like you have lost faith or upset with your Maker for "all these things". There is no where to go but back to him on bended knees, pleading forgiveness for loosing hope. Leaving pride and control aside and becoming humble, and in a way submissive to His powers.

Prayer. Prayer is the answer. So, I am going to Pray. If you will pray with me too I know I will be able to move on and my situation will improve.
This is where a new beginning starts and making hope, happens .

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through God which strengthens me.