Little J with Grandpa a weekend with the boys at Black Chasm.
It was slightly overcast as I drove to the cemetery that I often pass by. Usually, I whisper a silent ‘hello, I love you’ in the direction of the entrance. Just ten minutes from my house and close to the new Costco that I frequent. I am constantly reminded of the loved one who lay at rest there. I was compelled to drive straight there, no other agenda. I got out of the car, it was a little breezy but not cold. I walked; passing others’ loved ones and then came to the beautiful tree, whose branches shade the resting spot of our beloved father and grandfather. I like to think that little birds perch on those branches and sing. He loved bird watching, one year we bought him binoculars and a bird book. I wonder if he sees birds now, probably, beautiful ones that I can’t even imagine. I knelt down and swept the leaves and dirt off the marker, my fingernails filling with the dirt. I wished I had brought something to place there. I squatted for a little bit and read the headstone, his name, and an inscription of forever love and then my Minlaws name with birthdate and an empty spot. It peaked my tears and I stood up and then said in my mind, “We are going to have a baby soon…you probably already know that.” My eyes began to water… “Mister D is receiving his promotion next week, wish you could be there. We miss you.” My tears now flowing down my cheeks, my now, dirty hands wiping them away. I was not expecting to feel so much. I walked back to my car in tears my stomach hardening with a contraction.
I know that it is only his body that is there. I know that I can talk to him or the spirit of him without out being there but I wanted to be close. I think I was hoping for some kind of inspiration of what to name this baby or how to make Mister D’s promotion celebration special. I have found myself talking to him from time to time when I am concerned about family matters and it comforts me much like when I pray to my Father in Heaven.
Little reminders of his presence appear in his son, my husband. Mannerisms and deeds, I like to acknowledge them often. While dating my husband I was so impressed by my Finlaw's care for others and the respect he had for his wife. My husband to be was so much like his father and I knew I would be in good hands and that our future children would have a great dad.
Last week, Little G had a back to school night. She shared a holiday book she made. January, February, March…this month had a shamrock cut out with four leaves. Her sweet handwriting transcribed in each leaf a wish.
I wish for…
My mom to have her baby…
My grandpa to still be alive.
I forgot the last one as my mind started to wander. I am so glad that my daughter knew him even if for a short time. She was lucky enough to be called his “Missy Missy”.
This reminds me how important our family is to us and that we need to embrace them, love them, and accept them everyday.
This also reminds me that I am making an impression on my family that will stay with them when I am gone. What do I want them to remember.?